I suppose this is not so much a regular post as it is a message. We’re leaving for Japan in less than 48 hours and I’m calmly trying to pack, buy last minute gifts for family and friends, clean the house, and get ready to host a dinner party this evening (you’re free to question my judgment about the dinner party scheduling…). I should have access to the internet during these two weeks but if I’m spotty (writing and reading), it’ll be because the connection’s slow or Max has beaten me to the laptop or I’m off visiting with someone.
This also seems like a good time to say thanks to all of you, something that’s been on my mind alot lately but I haven’t expressed. I’ve written in the past about how hard it was for me to muster up the courage to write, and then to share my writing. I’m not someone who sticks to anything more than a week but, four-ish months later, I’m still writing regularly, and I really owe this to your support and encouragement which have given me so much energy to keep going week after week.
A big thing I hadn’t expected is how I’d start growing through the process of blogging. The introspection needed to write and then the comments you have all given have made me think more deeply than I have in years. They’ve then spurred me to start conversations with my husband and close friends which then propelled me to make some changes in my life. For one thing, I’ve started exercising again. And another, I’ve tried to understand my limits and to forgive myself more. In fact, after I come back from Japan, I’m giving myself a two-week vacation. My trip to Japan will be a mixed business and personal trip, but it will likely not be restful. Afterwards, I’m going to allow myself a big chunk of time off to just do whatever I please. I couldn’t have done this a year ago.
Yesterday, I was an emotional mess because my one and only baby had finished kindergarten. I honestly felt like something was insanely wrong with me because I couldn’t stop crying. But from your comments and similar blog posts and emails I knew that I was hardly alone. Insane, maybe, but definitely not alone! 😉
And finally, I am so grateful for your response to my Tuesday post about shame and keeping quiet. I continued to feel uneasy after I posted it but each time I find myself embarrassed I go back to your comments. It’s a hard thing to get used to, this openness. But I think I did suffer more than I needed to growing up because I was (kept?) silent. I’ve often wondered about the link between depression and suicide and creativity, and found it eerie how so many writers have experienced depression. I understand much better now why – because, as my friend Alexandra said, “Depression is the voice unheard.” Opening our voices is how we try to heal.
By complete coincidence, two days after I posted about this, Wellesley College released an article about the link between authenticity and honesty and depression and self-esteem in girls.
Thank you, again, for your friendship.
Have a wonderful, fun, and restful weekend! Mata ne (see you), as they say in Japan. I will send postcards 🙂